TOM FRANCIS
REGRETS THIS ALREADY

Found And Lost

It seems like only yesterday that some of my desk surface was visible, but it apparently wasn’t and I have been asked to excavate. Among my findings:

• Fifty-six copies of PC Gamer 148’s cover CDs.
• One wicker apple, without lid, empty save pistachio-shell crumbs.
• Doom 3 box, empty.
• UT2004 box, without lid, empty.
• One spoon, large.
• One paper box, contents unknown.
• The head of a plastic penguin with red hair and yellow eyebrows.
• One open packet of coffee grounds.
• One billion (approx) business cards (own).
• Three quarters of a billion (approx) business cards (others).
• One painted wireframe and tissue-mache effigy of me, 8″ tall.
• One purple, yellow and green feathered mardi gras mask.
• Nine pens.
• John Walker’s cafetiere.
• Three ultrillion sheafs of paper of text that no longer seems to mean anything.
• One cardboard cutout of me, articulated at joints with gold pins.
• Twenty issues of PC Gamer.
• Forty duplicate issues of PC Gamer.
• One copy of Stereolab’s Emperor Tomato Ketchip: score!
• One bigillion blank taxi receipts, for expense claim fraud.
• One Morrowind Ordinator lead figurine, 2″ tall.
• One City Of Villains scorpion dude plastic figurine 3″ tall.
• Twelve hundred E3 press discs.
• Nine hundred hundred unwanted DVDs.
• One inflatable chain-mace.
• One inflatable gray (green).
• One foam Darwinian.
• One FSP fridge magnet, ugly.
• One tennis shoe, belonging to Mark Sutherns of Creative Assembly.
• Seven point nine thousand hundred City Of Villains trial code stickers.
• Five USB storage devices of between 64MB and 1GB capacity.
• One Radeon X300 graphics card with a display output socket unrecognisable to the staff of either PC Gamer or PC Format, but which I swear used to plug straight into my regular monitor without fuss.