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TOM FRANCIS
REGRETS THIS ALREADY

Hello! I'm Tom. I designed a game called Gunpoint, about rewiring things and punching people, and now I'm working on a new one called Heat Signature, about sneaking aboard randomly generated spaceships. Here's some more info on all the games I've worked on, here's the podcast I do, here are the videos I make on YouTube, here are some of the articles I wrote for PC Gamer, and here are two short stories I wrote for the Machine of Death collections.

Theme

By me. Uses Adaptive Images by Matt Wilcox.

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  • RoboLeg: this game would be PERFECT for mobile, and I’d happily pay 10 bucks or so for it.
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  • Rewarding Creative Play Styles In Hitman

    Postcards From Far Cry Primal

    Solving XCOM’s Snowball Problem

    Kill Zone And Bladestorm

    An Idea For More Flexible Indie Game Awards

    Teaching Heat Signature’s Ship Generator To Think In Sectors

    What Works And Why: Multiple Routes In Deus Ex

    Natural Numbers In Game Design

    Naming Drugs Honestly In Big Pharma

    Writing vs Programming

    Let Me Show You How To Make A Game

    New Heat Signature Video: Galaxies, Suction And Wrench-Throwing

    What Works And Why: Nonlinear Storytelling In Her Story

    My Idea For An ‘Unconventional Weapon’ Game

    From Gunpoint To Heat Signature: A Narrative Journey

    The Cost Of Simplifying Conversations In Videogames

    What Works And Why: Invisible Inc

    Our Super Game Jam Episode Is Out

    What Works And Why: Sauron’s Army

    Showing Heat Signature At Fantastic Arcade And EGX

    What I’m Working On And What I’ve Done

    The Formula For An Episode Of Murder, She Wrote

    Heat Signature Needs An Artist And A Composer

    Improving Heat Signature’s Randomly Generated Ships, Inside And Out

    Gunpoint Patch: New Engine, Steam Workshop, And More

    Distance: A Visual Short Story For The Space Cowboy Game Jam

    Raising An Army Of Flying Dogs In The Magic Circle

    Floating Point Is Out! And Free! On Steam! Watch A Trailer!

    Drawing With Gravity In Floating Point

    What’s Your Fault?

    The Randomised Tactical Elegance Of Hoplite

    Here I Am Being Interviewed By Steve Gaynor For Tone Control

    Heat Signature: A Game About Sneaking Aboard Randomly Generated Spaceships

    The Grappling Hook Game, Dev Log 6: The Accomplice

    A Story Of Heroism In Alien Swarm

    One Desperate Battle In FTL

    To Hell And Back In Spelunky

    Games Vs Story 2

    Gunpoint Development Breakdown

    Five Things I Learned About Game Criticism In Nine Years At PC Gamer

    My Short Story For The Second Machine Of Death Collection

    Not Being An Asshole In An Argument

    Playing Skyrim With Nothing But Illusion

    How Mainstream Games Butchered Themselves, And Why It’s My Fault

    A Short Script For An Animated 60s Heist Movie

    The Magical Logic Of Dark Messiah’s Boot

    Arguing On The Internet

    Shopstorm, A Spelunky Story

    Why Are Stealth Games Cool?

    E3’s Violence Overload, Versus Gaming’s Usual Violence Overload

    The Suspicious Developments manifesto

    GDC Talk: How To Explain Your Game To An Asshole

    Listening To Your Sound Effects For Gunpoint

    Understanding Your Brain

    What Makes Games Good

    A Story Of Plane Seats And Class

    Deckard: Blade Runner, Moron

    Avoiding Suspicion At The US Embassy

    An Idea For A Better Open World Game

    A Different Way To Level Up

    How I Would Have Ended BioShock

    My Script For A Team Fortress 2 Short About The Spy

    Team Fortress 2 Unlockable Weapon Ideas

    Don’t Make Me Play Football Manager

    EVE’s Assassins And The Kill That Shocked A Galaxy

    My Galactic Civilizations 2 War Diary

    I Played Through Episode Two Holding A Goddamn Gnome

    My Short Story For The Machine Of Death Collection

    Blood Money And Sex

    A Woman’s Life In Search Queries

    First Night, Second Life

    SWAT 4: The Movie Script

    The Formula For An Episode Of Murder, She Wrote

    My life has changed in many ways since working for my own company, but perhaps the biggest is that I can now watch Murder, She Wrote over breakfast and/or lunch. This is great, but it’s also ingrained the show’s weirdly specific formula in my brain, and now I feel I must write it down. The following is how about 70% of its episodes go – the exceptions are kind of nuts.

    Office, day

    NEEDLESSLY DICKISH BUSINESSMAN:
    Your company is garbage, Desperate! Once I buy it despite hating it, I will change everything you like about it!

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    Go to hell, Needlessly! The merger’s off!

    NEEDLESSLY DICKISH BUSINESSMAN:
    Without me your company is nothing (but I still want to acquire it)!

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    That’s for me to tearfully acknowledge later and for you to shut up!

    NEEDLESSLY DICKISH BUSINESSMAN:
    I’m a jerk in my personal life too! (Leaves)

    Office, day

    REASONABLE SUBORDINATE:
    Dammit Desperate, we need this merger or we’re done for!

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    Shut up, closest friend with my best interests at heart! Besides, soon we won’t need Needlessly Dickish OR his money.

    REASONABLE SUBORDINATE:
    Dammit Desperate, don’t do anything desperate!

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    I don’t have a CHOICE except the one you just mentioned!!

    Car, day

    JESSICA:
    I’m so glad you invited me to Place Where You Live.

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    It’s so lovely to see you Jessica! How is your book tour going?

    JESSICA:
    Very well, thank you. I am a literary titan known to over 75% of humanity and my work is to everyone’s taste.

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    That’s great. I just hope you don’t get wrapped up in the FLASHPOINT OF LOCAL TENSIONS going on while you’re here.

    JESSICA:
    (Raises quizzical eyebrow)

    Apartment, day

    HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WHO WORKS FOR SOMEONE BUT IS OTHERWISE NOT REALLY INVOLVED:
    I love you PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS RELATED TO SOMEONE.

    PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS RELATED TO SOMEONE BUT OTHERWISE NOT REALLY INVOLVED:
    Oh, but it’s no use HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WHO WORKS FOR SOMEONE! In some obtuse way this business merger makes our love impossible!

    HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WHO WORKS FOR SOMEONE BUT IS OTHERWISE NOT REALLY INVOLVED:
    This is weird but accurate.

    Docks, night

    SHADY CONTACT:
    I got the stuff, where’s the money?

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    I didn’t think this through.

    SHADY CONTACT:
    Hey, you’d BETTER have my money!

    DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN:
    I didn’t think this through.

    SHADY CONTACT:
    You messed with the wrong Shady Contact, Desperate! I will definitely and literally kill you! Not a figure of speech! If you’re murdered soon, it was me! You hear that, witnesses who heard the victim arguing with someone around this time?

    Docks, day

    POLICE IDIOT stands over DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN’S BODY. JESSICA arrives immediately somehow.

    POLICE IDIOT:
    Looks like an open-and-shut case, Mrs F. Witnesses heard Shady Contact threatening to kill him, and as a police officer I don’t like to look for further evidence or consider any other possibilities.

    JESSICA:
    I’m not so sure, Idiot! Can you get me his phone records?

    POLICE IDIOT:
    OK, for some reason it’s fine for me to share that private data. But I’m telling you Mrs F, this time you’re wrong. I know I have a 0% success rate and you solve all of the 22 murders that happen near you every year, but

    Office, day

    NEEDLESSLY DICKISH BUSINESSMAN:
    With Desperate out of the way, this merger will definitely go through! Yes, I had a motive to kill him alright.

    IRRELEVANT CHARACTER WHO LOOKS CONFUSINGLY FAMILIAR:
    I reply, but say nothing of substance and never become relevant to the plot, although I look enough like someone who is that you’re no longer completely sure of what’s happening.

    Lovely house, day

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    What’s that?

    JESSICA:
    Hm? Oh, just Desperate’s phone records from the night he died. Do you know, he didn’t make a single call to his wife that night? Don’t you think that’s odd?

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    I like you but no.

    JESSICA:
    All the same, I’m going to keep looking through these records.

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    Well, this isn’t at all the right context for this phrase, but a rolling stone gathers no moss.

    JESSICA:
    Moss… that’s it!

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    That’s what?

    JESSICA:
    The missing piece of the puzzle!

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    What puzzle?

    JESSICA:
    The puzzle of who killed Desperate Businessman!

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    It’s getting weird that you won’t just tell me what you know.

    JESSICA:
    I have to get to the police station immediately! (leaves)

    JESSICA’S LOVELY FRIEND:
    Jessica, for fuck’s sake!

    Docks, night

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE is rummaging through a bin at the crime scene.

    JESSICA:
    Looking for this? (She holds up an earring)

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE:
    Jessica! No, I was just… I thought I heard a dog, in the bin.

    JESSICA:
    I’m afraid it’s over, Someone’s Wife. You killed Desperate for basically the same mundane, practical reason as one of the male suspects, but you didn’t get much screen time so it still seems like a surprise. I found your earring at the crime scene, and when I give it to the police I’m sure they’ll prove it was yours.

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE:
    Not if I happen to have a gun on me and draw it now, honestly planning to kill an old lady over some fairly flimsy evidence but for some reason wanting to warn her first!

    POLICE IDIOT:
    (Emerging from the shadows) Drop it, Someone’s Wife!

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE:
    Oh for God’s sake. Why do you let her do these things as a weird piece of theatre?

    POLICE IDIOT:
    Her chain of evidence is always hopelessly weak, so we just have to hope you’ll either kill her or confess.

    JESSICA:
    It’s true. I have no reason to mention this beyond simple smarm now, but I never found any earring.

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE:
    Then how?!

    JESSICA:
    Oh, it was quite simple, really. The moss. When I saw you at the funeral earlier, the camera focused weirdly on a piece of moss on your shoe. I happened to remember that this moss only grows in one place in the world, the crime scene, and it only sticks to murderers.

    But I had to wait for someone to mention the word ‘moss’ in a different context before I made this trivial extra step as if it was a moment of serendipitous inspiration, which for some reason is how we want crimes to be solved.

    SOMEONE’S WIFE, YOU FORGET WHOSE:
    I regret stepping in the murder moss.

    Always an elevator for some reason, day

    HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WHO WORKS FOR SOMEONE:
    Jessica, we wanted you to be the first to know: we’ve set a date!

    JESSICA:
    Oh, that’s wonderful!

    PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS RELATED TO SOMEONE:
    I hope you’ll come to the ceremony!

    JESSICA:
    Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just so long as you don’t expect ALL of your guests to survive!

    (All laugh)

    JESSICA:
    Hundreds of people have died around me.

    (Freeze frame)

    Craig Moore: As somebody who has also worked from home (for the better part of far, far too long), I can fully appreciate the mind altering effects that daytime TV can have on you.

    I commend you, Tom. God speed.

    Robert: Have you seen the one that jumps back to an old black and white film? Or the one set in Virtual Reality? Whenever I'm home I do much the same.

    It's just a pity that Murder She Wrote isn't part of the Tommyverse. Or is it?

    Henry Stenhouse: This is brilliant. I used to watch that during summer when I was a lazy child with nothing to do. Not quite as productive.

    Next up: Diagnosis Murder!

    HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WHO WORKS FOR SOMEONE: You are on to me and I will track you down.

    David: You forgot an essential element : 'May I use your phone?"

    DR. MARK SLOANE: Yes, the only serial killer ever to approach my own record was that terrible woman; Jessica Fletcher! Why, she didn't even have the advantage of most of her crimes being investigated by her own son... I can't imagine how she remained undetected for so long.

    Kia: Thank you. The numberless hours in which I watched that show, unable to account for the strange spell it cast over me, have been redeemed from the abyss of meaninglessness. Have you ever watched QUINCY? It has a lot of ACTING in it mostly by JACK KLUGMAN and nobody else seems so mind or notice that he SHOUTS ALL THE TIME.

    Darnn: As someone who translated the entire runs of Poirot and Marple for Israeli TV, I enjoyed this thoroughly.

    CdrJameson: Don't forget that old saying:

    If you've got a formula, you've got a game!

    (also 'kinda' nuts)

    Tom Francis: Oops, ta. I've edited this post like 20 times and I still didn't see that.

    mark powlett: I laughed so much at this...that I must actually watch an episode some time. I feel it may be even funnier if I had the actual show in my mind :/
    Excellent

    Fatty dumdum.: Now do Magnum PI! :)

    Paul: Thank you for this buddy - funniest thin I've read in a while -bid anything it's made me want to watch the show even *more* :)

    Pointless Meme: 10/10 lol'd, would lol again.

    Michael Beckett (@Mike_Beckett): Hi Tom I think you missed the key aspect. I accuse Jessica Fletcher of being the mass murder who is actually framing people as she goes and writing spin fiction nailing people for what only she could have achieved. The correlations of murders and her vicinity lead to no other rational conclusion, really!

    C0Mmander: IRRELEVANT CHARACTER WHO LOOKS CONFUSINGLY FAMILIAR!! You have thwarted my ability to enjoy a video narrative continuously for far too long!

    Lansbury fan: Literally the best thing I've ever read.

    Bec: Ah, Murder She Wrote. It ran daily at around 7.30am in the weeks after I had my first baby, so I'd watch it and either fall asleep and miss a major plot point (not really an issue, though, as you illustrate) or be irrationally envious of her tidy house.

    Great piece. It had me laughing out loud :)

    Murder? I hardly knew 'er!: This was great. My favorite part is that you can set your watch on the time she declares that it's a murder (for the episodes where the death was mistaken as suicide)

    Link Olio | Jared Sandman: […] also came across this post about Murder, She Wrote. It skewers formula-driven scriptwriting in a hilarious fashion.  Even though I’ve never seen […]

    ERIC: Very, very funny breakdown of the show, but as a die hard fan, I feel that I should explain that MSW is meta fiction, as explained in the opening sequence. The real Jessica Fletcher is actually just a widowed teacher turned author who never really solves murders. She invents many characters to solve murders, but during the writing process she imagines herself as the crime solver. That's why at the typewriter she is unfiltered reality, but then she is seen in dream like sequences with a foggy border. Notice after the bang we clearly see the words "door opened" on the page, then in fantasy scenes you see Jessica beside an opening shining a flashlight, trying to pick a door lock, peeking through a door, and running through a door. Then at the end we can read "Arnold raced out the door". We can infer that Arnold is the character to actually solve the crime, so by that point she has replaced herself with the character. What we are watching in the episode Is the fantasy, before she replaces herself.

    Sharna: I adore when Jessica is thrown about and a man in a wig takes over as body-double. The reuse of actors as different characters adds a thrilling additional layer for the MSW devotee (wasn't he a salesman and now he's the sheriff?). The ones based in Oireland are hilarious, 4th generation Irish-American actors that have never heard an Irish accent in their lives.
    The dinner parties where a guest is introduced to Mrs Fletcher but they ignore her and create a scene by launching into an unexpected diatribe and threaten vengeance on another guest before leaving others to apologise for them. MSW/Magnum cross-over failed to live up to expectation but still worth a watch

    Christian Collins: That was fantastic! Thank-you.

    cc

    Jeff Rodman: Having a wife who loved the show, I found this especially LOL. It deserves a staged reading of some sort, perhaps with hats or something to precisely identify the players. " I regret stepping in the murder moss" is a line for the ages!

    Steven Pennebaker: You missed a critical move: 35-40 minutes in, Police Idiot must arrest Red Herring so JF can shake her head and say, "I think you've got the wrong man." Red Herring is usually JF's nephew or her niece's boyfriend/fiancee. JF has thousands of nephews and nieces, her siblings bred like rabbits.

    Mike: You, sir, are a genius.

    Jessica De La Rosa: Well...you're not wrong. Though I am partial to Jessica for, well, obvious reasons.

    annie: you forgot that it always ends with a smile!

    DS: Mhmm...I feel you (and Matlock, too--anyone?).

    Murder She Wrote Viewing Primer:

    Admire Angela Lansbury, and--in particular--JB Fletcher's grace in social situations.

    You must guess the killer before what could be called the "second-act turn" and stick to it.
    With time, your guesses will be far more accurate.

    Please pay attention to Jessica and her friends' "Champs Lexicaux": (See, "I dare say..." "Why, I'd be delighted")

    To truly enjoy the subtleties of the formula, and thereby really "get" the show, it is important within your career of episode-watching to track:

    Why JB happens to be in the situation where someone is murdered.

    What is the setting (circus, horse racing, archeological dig).

    Who hits on her (for example, the most preserved oldie of a suitably comparable age with a good job).

    The manner in which the plot is orchestrated so that the police chief/detective/interested party needs her unwilling help (new to the job, not smart enough to do it himself, wants to keep the authorities out of it).

    How she entraps the guilty party.

    Keep in mind the intended audience (senior citizens) and note general topics tailored to the dreams and fears of said audience, how "young people" are represented, the frequency of multi-generation relationships, and references to and representations of the big city, etc. vs. Cabot Cove, etc.

    Point out actors you recognize from other things, especially in regard to whose careers were more/less/as successful post.

    Commentary on clothing and set design is heavily encouraged.

    Ultimately, the successful viewer will feel themselves in some part a meta-JB, never permitting to let lie unremarked upon even the smallest of details.

    Nomi: What's amazing is how Angela Lansbury, w/some help from William Windom in the Cabot Cove eps, carry the show despite the usually weak plots. There's actually some great writing in their scenes, which is partly why I prefer the Cabot Cove episodes and wish they made up more than 1/5 or so of the total.

    For me, that's it's formulaic is not a problem, but rather the flimsiness w/in the formula. But, eh, not too much of a problem because we're watching for the wonder that is Jessica Fletcher, not great mystery writing. Columbo is arguably more formulaic and more ridiculous. But we watch it to see Peter Falk do his thing over and over.

    Nomi: Oh! And once in a blue moon, it's like they called in a completely different bunch of writers and there's a great episode. The two that come to mind are "If It's Thursday, It Must Be Beverly," and "Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Thief." The first is like a 1930s/40s farce with great goofy timing; the second is completely different, one of the international intrigue ones, but really tight and smart and a bit Hitchcockian. Really a delight.

    Stevyn Colgan: Completely accurate! I've always said that, before Angela Lansbury pops her clogs, they should make one final episode where it's revealed that Jessica Fletcher is the world's most prolific and clever serial killer and that she's got away with thousands of murders. I see her lying on her deathbed, recounting her evil plots using clips as flashbacks. Her final words would be: 'People were dying all around me everywhere I went but you were all too stupid to see! Stupid! Stupid! Ha ha ha ha ha! Urrrgh." Clutches chest. The heart monitor flatlines. Beeeeeeeep. Freeze frame on her evil grinning corpse.