James

By Pentadact


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Let Tom Francis tell you all what it's like, being male, middle-class and white.
 

 

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"Am I the only one who enjoys the mako combat? I found it nice to be in a pretty easy and fun situation after slogging through all the awesome, but tiring foot combat. I think I had..."

Weird Fish on 2008 In Games That Were Better Than Other Games
 

 

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This is why I was in the office until nine tonight, despite working on a section for the issue after the one whose deadline the others were crunching to. Also there was free junk food and liquor, by way of Ross's efficient repurposing of the bribes we receive to incentivise and energise overtimers.
 

 

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I Played Through Episode 2 Holding A Goddamn Gnome
Postcards from a quest to obtain the stupidest Achievement ever.
GalCiv 2 War Diary
The saga of my race of impolitic space-rabbits in a twenty-day game against eleven genius artificial intelligence races.
 

 

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Plan B Is Complete

 
 

Thirty-five hours of play, six hundred and fifty billion people dead, sixteen game-years passed, fifteen thousand words written, a month and ten days in the uploading, and it is done.

Pew Pew

The game did right by me again, generating a story worth writing about, creating drama, and saving the toughest problem - and hence my most obtuse solution - till the end. The final clash really did last exactly seven turns, too, letting me add a Half-Life 2 reference to the Star Wars, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Iain M Banks, Futurama, Douglas Adams, Eddie Izzard, Team Fortress 2 and Penny Arcade references.

The first thing I wanted to do after finishing that preposterous game was to play a nice and small one - just a couple of races, a dozen or so stars, only a few billion dead, no hard feelings. Playing on the Immense scale is like a mental gymnasium: there’s really no limit to how much there is to think about or how hard you want to go at it, except your own willingness to work your brain muscles out. Playing on a small scale after that, I felt like my ears were still ringing from the data noise of the galactic apocalypse.

It was kind of nice.

Comment
 
 
Roadrunner: Unfortunately that game is still fairly far down on my "List of games to buy before running out of money" list :|

Seniath: Boo, what am I supposed to read on my lunch break now?

Matt: Your entries in that blog kept me going each day. Now I'll have to go back to actually playing the game. Thanks for the entertainment!

Clint: I'll join the crowd of addicted supporters. I think I'll go pull this game back off my shelf now that my daily dose is once again missing...

peterd102: Read this in a free book with my copy of PC Gamer - It was fantastic, id love that as a feature in the mag. Pester Ross for that plz!.

One word that sticks in my mind - STARFUCKER!

I cant imagine what your like when you decide to be a warmongerer. I can see the death toll rising a lot higher.

Bret: He was a warmonger last time.

He won a tech victory.

Man, you'd think somebody would remember not to tick off the descendants of the most psychotic race in the history of the galaxy.

Dorian Cornelius Jasper: Finished reading the entire gamelog.

...

This is seriously Crowning Moment of Awesome stuff. Especially the "Nonagressive Space Treaty Catapult" ploy. Mr. Francis, you had me glued to my seat and actually cheering for the villain. That is, you, apparently.

Bret: Hey, they were nice guys until the Terrans started being total jerks.

And sometimes, you just gotta nuke a few suns.

ZomBuster: You got banned on spore for commenting on my creation D:

what have I done *cries*

Pentadact: I know! It's a catastomasy. The PC Gamer Sporecast will be on ice for a week.

Let the record show that I was banned for "Extreme Language/ Racial comment". Apparently "Holy shit!" is extreme. These guys need to try skydiving.

Of course, they might be referring to the time I commented on a flying Sonic The Hedgehog with "This is great, unlike the Jews."

Jason L: 'Overlord! Overlord! We have found a way to turn politicians into a starship drive.'

Newt Pulsifer: Nicely done, Pentadact!
Patch 2.0 may be out soon.. :)

J-Man: I hope you're joking, pentadact.

J-Man: What was that whole CPU overload screen I just got when I tried to come on here?

Pod: I dont' remember GalCiv2 looking like this :o
It looks like Escape Velocity nova or something in that image...

roBurky: Very entertaining final half. Well done sir.

Matt: The third link is borked. ;)

Also, the plan for increasing speed was the greatest idea ever.

DoctorDisaster: Just wanted to say I absolutely loved Plan B. In fact, I used to do very similar "leader logs" back in my formative Civ 2 years. Not as funny, of course, but that's why you're getting paid for yours.

My only problem is a bit of cognitive dissonance: I downloaded the GC2 demo and was totally unimpressed. Others who tried the demo, help! Did I dislike it because I was railroaded into playing as the lame-o diplomatic Terrans? Was it the caps on all the galaxy options? Does disappointment with the demo mean I'll be disappointed with the game, or is the full version different enough that I'll get my fourecks fix?

Jason L: You may be like me. It's a really unpleasant phenomenon - on paper I should love GalCiv II, but I keep trying it; whenever Stardock does something especially awesome, whenever Tom writes a diary, sometimes just because I run across it, I reinstall the demo and give it another shot.

I've never gotten further than a few screens into the tutorial.

Just hitting the main menu fills me with a physical - tight stomach, tight jaw - wave of ennui and disgust, and it doesn't abate. The races seem twee, the numbers bare and complicated, the scale disjointed, the art lifeless. Last time, when Plan B started up, I found that I was literally averting my eyes from the screen - peeking out sideways at whatever toothpaste production slider I was supposed to be fiddling. This all comes despite eating up the much shallower and more flawed Star Control 3 and Sword of the Stars, and the much more forbidding Armageddon Empires.

This cycle has been ongoing for years, in combination with periodic temptations to just buy the game to 'support the devs' and never ever play it. I think it would be fair to say that GalCiv II has caused me more suffering than any other game. I love everything GalCiv II and Stardock stand for but hate the game for no good reason - and in some perverse way, I won't let myself settle the matter one way or the other until I love it.

DoctorDisaster: Jason

You complete me

J-Man: Aaaaawwwww.

Jackrabbit: I nearly pissed myself. you are a wordsmith.

Jackrabbit: A brilliant wordsmith, in case that wasn't clear

 
 

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    Previously, On James...

     
     

    2008 In Games That Were Better Than Other Games     GTA IV Shorts: Cut Off     PC Gamer Podcast: The Future’s Dim     Thoughts On The Team Fortress 2 Christmas Changes     Dear Sir     Extra Mirror’s Edge Levels Blocky, Unrealistic     Dead Space: The Right-Hand Side Of A Good Game     So My Vesper Became Your Chariot     Fallout Girl: The Road To Tenpenny Towers     Revenge Of The Psycho Graverobber     I’m Not Making The Plan Next Time     HERO CLOSET     The Gold Ribbon Goldberg Device     Fallout Girl: Anywhere But Megaton     Bethesda Ruin America     Fallout Girl     Left 4 De-     The American Public Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Right To Live     Far Cry 2: What I Do Like     Far Cry 2: What I’d Like     Far Cry 2: Impersonation Of A Buddy     New PC Gamer Podcast: Eau De Toilette Radioactifs     Far Cry 2 Released, Forest Fires Up 8000%     !     Deadly Toads Of Death     World Of Goo Is Coming To Steam, Gentlepersons     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume Three     Plan B Is Complete     The Fate Of The Nation And, More Importantly, My £5     Multiwinia Mathematics     A Stab At Meet The Spy     Clear Screen     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume Two     Retro Team Fortress 2     Sounds Like The Spy Update Is Next     Status Report     Field Studies 6: The PC Gamer Sporecast     I No Longer Feel I Have To Be James Dean     Plan B Chapter One Is Complete     Field Studies 5: My Spore Review     I Read A Thirty-Eight Page Comic About Google’s Browser     Heroes Of Medicine     Red Versus White     Soviet Power     Plan B Is Live     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume One     He Looks Truly Mortified     Lumber Yard Wallpapers     Heavy Update Thoughts So Far     Relic Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Team Fortress 2 Goes To The Rockies     Steel Yourself     Vote Tom Francis In The Games Media Awards     Heavy Update: Sandwiches And Fresh Green Grass     Chris Livingston Stops Considering A TF2 Comic     Seriously, Buy Braid     Braid Is Out On Filthy Consoles     Film Catch-Up     Tweak Fortress     Field Studies 4: Vu To A Thorough Game Demonstration     The Middleman     What’s Happening In Kansas     Mirror’s Edge     Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog     Weltpolizei     The Prop Cigarettes You Smoke, They Show Who You Are     Cutting Verses Down To Size     The Sun Is Shining But We Stay Inside     Mrs D Mrs I Mrs F-F-I, Mrs C Mrs U-L-T     I Propose A Less Serious Vote     Valve Completely Out Of Weapon Ideas, Beg For Help     I Know The Commander Because He’s My Pal     Blizzard Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Regarding Matt’s Location     Oh My God What The Fuck Barbecue     Cube In Memoriam     Pyro Flare Pistol Thingy Shown In Meet The Sniper     Field Studies 3: My Pretties     Field Studies 2: I Will Save You From The Wangs     Field Studies 1: Sporegasm     Muxed Feelings     You Don’t Have To Be An Engy To Work Here But You Do     Someone Already Made An Ubersaw     Team Fortress 2 Unlockable Ideas     A Riposte To Valve’s Defense Of PC Gaming     Randy Smith Has The Worst Game Design Ideas Ever     Sire, My Regard For You Is This Big     Crysis Suit Modes Revisited     Fractal Hasselhoff And Football Management     What A Shame     The City That Rarely Enters Sleep Mode     The Most Needlessly Complex Terror Plots In Film History     No-One Drove In New York, There Was Too Much Traffic     In One Thousand Two Hundred And Ten New York Minutes     That Band You Like Has A New Thing Coming Out     A Slice Of Fried Gold Rush     Achievement Unlocked: Typed Achievement_Unlock     Bracing Oneself     It’s A Democratic Gaming Landscape, Bitches     Non-Problems Of The Obscenely Over-Privileged     Wanking ‘Not Inappropriate’ To Government Commerce     Dispensing Justice     Getting Owned     This Just In: Frogs Aren’t Morons     Der Uberdoktor     Jon Stewart On Presidential Elitism     I Actually Can’t Stop The Music     Offlyin’     The Life And Inevitable Death Of Bloopi     PC Gamer Blog: Five Years Of Foolishness     Anne Diamond Reviews Games     Fail Dogs     Review: Soulstorm (Fire Indeed Hot)     There Will Be Country For Old Men In Real Life, Baby     The Far Cry 2 Team     PC Gamer Tells Greg Costikyan To Shut The Fuck Up     Valve Decided Against The Overhealer     Austin Translation     Preview: World of Goo     ‘Meet The Scout’ Imminent     PC Gamer Blog: Greatest Videogame Weapon of All Time     Bill Hicks: Another Dead Hero     Vortessence Hangover     Nick Montfort On Portal Vs The Passage     I Eat What I Slaughter     Jonathan Blow On Making Enough Money For Food     Audiosurfing The Shipping News     Team Fortress 2 Badlands Exploit Patched     Lost, Season Four, Spoilers, Obviously     Badlands     James 2.5 Explained     PC Gamer Podcast: March     Chris Livingston Considering A TF2 Comic     Come In     Actors Out Of Context     Murder Incorporated     Books That Make You Dumb     Powered Down For Redesign     New TF2 Maps And Medic Change In Two Months     Molecular Gastronomy Blog     Team Fortress 2 Update Reactions     Things Round Here Have Changed     My Goatee     Things I Forgot To Talk About Round-Up     GalCiv2: Still Genius     Analysing Team Fortress 2     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     Deus Fucking Ex Fucking 3     Crysis Week: The Endingening     Episode Two Death Maps     Masq     SO… MUCH… CAKE…     On Rock     Review: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare     I’m Not Allowed To Do This     I Played Through The Crysis Demo Holding A Surprised Korean Guy     The Greatest Spy In Team Fortress 2     FEAR: Perseus Mandate Is The Best Game Ever     Hellgate London Thoughts     Beautiful Piano Rendition Of The Portal Song     I Played Through Episode Two Holding A Goddamn Gnome     Pushing Daisies Continues To Be Incredible     Ten Minutes To Go     The Best Three Things On TV     Life Complete     This Just In: The Scout Is A Dick     Not Being A Spy     SO… MUCH… BLOOD…     Weirdly, You’ve Been Tanned - Suspicious For The Winter     Structurally Superfluous     Top of GameTab: Wikipedia Edits From Sony IP     Heroes Season Two     My Favourite Disaster     Quick BioShock Warning     Rock, Paper, Shotgun     British Airwaves     BioShock Review Review     Gollum Beat Box Like You Never Seen     The Machine Of Death Winners     System Failure     The Order of the Phoenix     The Completist: Tribes: Vengeance     Quickly     Boston and Bioshock     Cloak And Tagger     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     The Completist: Far Cry     This Month In Terrible, Part 2: London Olympics Logo     This Month In Terrible, Part 1: Anti-DRM T-Shirts     The Finale Post     Not The Finale Post     Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa-     Starcraft 2     Grrraaahahahahaa!     Mystery Trip     Access Denied     Invasion of the Body Snatchers     New-Album Deathmatch     Can I Just Say (3)     Back!     ‘Iv’     Desktop Tower Defense     Whoa     Noble Jedis     I Don’t Know About You Folks     Infinitely More Exciting Than Anything     Exploded     A Couple Of Things!     This Is Taking Ages     Best Interview Ever     Let Them Eat Facts     He’s Gone Too Far     Highlight Of 2006 (3/3)     Highlight Of 2006 (2/3): Snowboarding To Safety     Highlight Of 2006 (1/3): Previewing Oblivion     Yeah, Me Too     Somerfield     24     iPwn     2006     First Screenshots Of Introversion’s Next Game     Dexter: Series One     Woo     Dexter Again     Primer     Just ‘Cause     Spoiler Test     Heroes     Not Everything You Find On Flickr Makes A Lot Of Sense Right Away     Posts About Games Writing Suck So I’m Writing A Post About Posts About Games Writing     Supreme Commander     A Weak Russian Sunset     Event-Inspired Idea: Cellphone Breathalizer     I Am About To Play One Of These Games     Dexter     Bad News     24: Drink When…     Blood Money And Sex     Veronica Mars     Too Zune     Something I Didn’t Understand But Still Feels Right     James 1.0     Dangerous Animals Found Dangerous, Term Remains Mystery     Don’t Blog While Stupid     Should I Hit The Weak Spot For Massive Damage Now?     25th Hour     Porn Shoes     A Life In Questions     Paris Laptop Consciousness Drip     This Next Test Is Impossible     Found And Lost     Team Fortress 2, Episode Two And Portal     Not Lasting     Pandora’s Checkbox     Episode Three Conjecture     Episode Two Conjecture     Trivia: My Firefox Extensions     Half-Life 3: Episode 1     Can I Just Say     Top 100 Musings #1: Battlefield 2     Maths Cop 2: The Revengening     Waa?     Out Of Office Auto-Blog     Oblivion Review     I Took A Photograph Of You In The Herbacious Border     If Things Go Right     New Ritual     Favourites     World Of Lifecraft     Elsewhere     Some News, JC     This Is The Winter Of Our Disco Tent     Villainy Like It Oughta Be     FEAR     Battlefield 2 Stats     Brain Storm’s New Clothes     Fahrenheit     Sorry     Quote From What I’m Watching     NaNoWriMo - Hard FAQs     Mockba     SWAT 4: The Game     First Night, Second Life     Disappointing Results     Maths Cop!     NaNoWriMo     Google Oozes Connectivity     Lost Season 2     Serenity     Oh Screw It, I’ll Mention The Revolution     Flying     Introducing: Brain Storm     Concerned     This Month In Awesome     Rain     SWAT 4: The Movie     On Bringing It     State Of Things     Quest Ideas     Quest Que C’est?     WordPress Wizard     Reasons To Freeze To Death     Phew     Futurama     The West Wing     Firefly     Lost     The Great     The Fantastic     The Top Few     Mulholland Drive     Adaptation     Grosse Pointe Blank     Memento     LA Confidential     Diablo 2     Battlefield 2     Half-Life 2: Deathmatch     Deus Ex 2     N     Morrowind     Half-Life 2     Deus Ex     Charles Darwin     Friedrich Nietzsche     Ludwig Wittgenstein     Tom Francis