James

By Pentadact


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Let Tom Francis tell you all what it's like, being male, middle-class and white.
 

 

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"Am I the only one who enjoys the mako combat? I found it nice to be in a pretty easy and fun situation after slogging through all the awesome, but tiring foot combat. I think I had..."

Weird Fish on 2008 In Games That Were Better Than Other Games
 

 

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I absorb high-bandwidth, info-dense, fast-talking stuff like The West Wing with relish, but the hurtling pace and sheer concentration of brilliant ideas, stylistic flourishes and exquisite jokes in Daisies leaves me reeling. It truly is just joyous, and insane, and sickly and dark all at once.
 

 

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First Night, Second Life
A surreal break-in on my first night in the ultra-liberal virtual world.
Exploded
Short story about a machine that can tell you how you'll die.
 

 

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Plan B Is Live

 
 

The first entries of my new GalCiv2 diary are now online, and new ones will go up three times a week from now until the heat death of the universe. You can read the whole thing if you’re able and willing to get the UK edition of PC Gamer, which subscribers are receiving nowish and shops are getting in on Thursday.

Plan B

It comes as a pocket-sized book for convenient reading on trains, planes and buses, to leave lying around on tiny coffee tables, or, since it is nearly black, for giving the impression that you have 15,000 words’ worth of ex-girlfriends’ contact details on file. In fact, because the cover bears the title “PLAN B”, particularly credulous observers may conclude that this is your second of two such books, containing only your deprioritised relapse hookup candidates.

In fact it is a story about me trying to bring a vast galaxy to peace, despite my slightly hot-headed approach to interstellar diplomacy and a chronic lack of patience. The species I created for this are distantly related to the angry warmongers I played as for the last one, since they are both essentially me and I haven’t mellowed particularly in the last year.

As ever, I’d love to hear what you think. Spoilery thoughts about anything beyond the latest entry on the blog are probably best kept out of the comments, though - e-mail those if you have them.

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Iain "DDude" Dawson: Thank you for writing this. You have a style which is wonderful to read.

The question I have to ask is who made the decision to turn regular updates on a blog into one chunk, to be first released in book form? The reason I object is your humour seem to be limited by this. Previously you referenced pictures throughout, but the small nature of the black and white pictures this time made this impossible, and sadly limiting. I was also disappointed, for one entry (day 11), ends mid sentence, beginning the next page on the next entry.

The reason I complain about this is that it reduced the impact of the quest for peace. Because all of the entries were available at once, I could not help myself but to read them all at once. This restricted the effect. Releasing 31 separate entries all together made the tale of Klasnikorlax less immersive, and the story seemed smaller scale that previously, purely because I read it as one.

Sorry to leave such a long comment, and I don't mean to moan about such a magnificent free gift, but surely releasing these entries on the site first would boost visitors and raise the profile of the magazine. I still love the free book, (I printed out the original to keep safe because it was so great), but I don't understand why it was decided to give the Plan B book out first, and release it on the blog later.

I don't know how much choice you had in this decision, but it ended up with your name on the front. I don't mean to sound ungracious either, because it is a wonderful free gift. My main point remains, Thank You.

Dan: I loved the original diary so I'm quite looking forward to this. The thing is...I tried out Gal Civ 2 and found your diary was more entertaining than the game itself. I find that with a lot of gaming stories etc. My imagination thinks the game up as being better in my head than it actually is.

Chris Evans: What ever happened to the rest of Day 11 I wonder...it was a shocking moment when I realised that it ended abruptly mid-sethntance...

But apart from that this was a magnificent read, it beats the original one you did, but only by a little! Both are amazing pieces of work, and I hope to see more like this in Gamer soon. =]

Pentadact: Apologies. The last sentence of Day 11 is nothing major, just:

"It was so evil, it might just work."

To be honest, I might have cut that entirely if it had been me editing it. But my last sentence of Day 8 is missing, and that was:

"On the other hand, fuck you in your stupid beardy face you crinkle-browed alien twat."

Again, sorry about those, I didn't have a chance to see it after it had been edited.

Chris: Thanks a lot, I didn't expect anyone to say that.

Iain: If we'd put it all on the website first, it wouldn't have been a desirable enough free gift: most people don't value something that's already available for free online. We considered serialising it in the mag, but it would have taken up one page every issue for three years.

I'm impressed and rather flattered that you read it in one go. Being too compulsive is a nice problem for a book to have.

Chris Evans: =]

I think it has been done in the right way, this way people can appreciate it more by having a hard copy of it, always good. Also it should drive up sales of the mag as people will have read the first couple of blog entries on the website and will want to read the rest of it as soon as they can.

I too would have read it all in one go but for work =[

Do you have any more GalCiv Space Bunny plans?

Fat Zombie: I read this in one go, after receiving my ish of PCGamer on Friday. It made me laugh quite a bit. Very good job!

My only complaint is that you're making GalCiv sound awesome. I've not tried it, but I'm sure that after fifteen minutes of play, I would have lost about 16 games of it, snarled, thrown the disc out the window and loaded up a shooter instead. I just can't GET strategy, and it's made worse by your making it sound awesome. Bah!

Pentadact: Heh. For what it's worth, GalCiv 2 is the kind of game I never would have tried if I hadn't been asked to review it. It's uncanny how when you really sit down and give them a shot, games that aren't your sort of thing become games that are.

Except Football Manager.

LaZodiac: I would of read it in one go, and then read it again, had I been able to get a copy.

Hopefully every time an entry goes up online, you will alert us.

Also, this is the only time I will ever feel sad not to be british. My being Canadian, in Canada, stops me from getting any of your wonderfull magazine and Plan B.

Chris Evans: Football Manager is one of the best games out there for creating your own little story within the game. I believe it was your failure to understand the offside rule that prevented you from enjoying the game.

:D

Zeno Cosini: Love the opening entries, and I'm really looking forward to reading the whole thing when I can get my hands on a copy of the mag. I started playing Galciv entirely as a result of your last diary, as you know, and I feel the same way as Dan: I do like Galciv 2, but I prefer reading your account to actually playing it.

dartt: I've not finished it yet but It's really great fun. Way up there with the original series :)

The only problem I have with the book is the poorly printed images. Pictures of graphs lack the contrast to make out the lines and labels. I don't think that will stop anyone understanding what is going on as the text is descriptive and, more importantly, entertaining. Though theres nothing like a good graph...

More of this please.

Sam: Futurama references FTW.

Iain "DDude" Dawson: Thanks for answering, that is a reason that makes good sense, and I did enjoy having a book to hold, with real pages to turn. I also did love the cultural references, such as Hitchhikers Guide.

Mr. Brit: I also read it in one go, and, as the general consensus agrees, it was pretty damn good. Only thing I noticed, besides the scentance ending mid-flow, was a mistake on page 27. Right hand column, second paragraph reads "Since the pretty much the only wars going on...". I was suprised it hadn't been mentioned. Is it just my copy? Otherwise, great job, hilarious as usual and can't wait for Spore to trounce those Kirby's ;)

Mr. Brit: (Spore comment may not make sense without a copy of PCgamer to hand)

Sam: Did Tom write that spore review? Because it was amazing, "I met a tyranid, I called him terry" :D

Sam: Oh and "I met a pear, I called him peary. It turns out that was his name"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! PEARY!"

Mr. Brit: What the fuck does GCU stand for you fucks?

Mr. Brit: What the fuck does GCU stand for you fucks?

Jason L: You're good at making friends. Maybe Google will be your friend.

You're good at making friends. Maybe Google will be your friend.

What fictional genre is GalCiv II's setting?

Mr. Brit: Lol, once you've read day 25 you'll know. Sorry to offend and double post.

Mr. Brit: and...er... Sci-fi?

The_B: YOU MAKE GOOD BOOK.


Sorry, am I making it too obvious I'm still suffering from TF2 withdrawl?

Liam C.: I'm think i will get this thursdays PC gamer just for this. My pc itsn't to good to play all the games within' the mag but lets just hope they mention a game i can play (diablo 2....unreal tournament...guild wars?) so that's readable to me aswell XD

Pentadact: Mr Brit: Okay, that mistake was mine - I had a feeling it might be when I had to read your quote three times before I could see what was wrong with it.

Sam: Yes! Thanks! It is my secret hope that someone out there will know what "Peary! Noooooo!" is a callback to.

Liam: Yay. If you can run Guild Wars okay, I'd be surprised if you couldn't run Spore.

Devenger: Read the whole thing, then read the whole thing again right afterwards. The writing was enticing - you utter failure to complete primary objectives hilarious - but the second reading was more out of interest as to how GalCiv works - I've never played anything from the series before.

So, thanks for the nice short reading, but thanks even more for the exposure to what I'm going to call the 'whoa, strategy sounds fun for once' effect. Hell, I might even buy the game if I can't find someone to borrow it off first (I'm one of those wary gamers who doesn't buy something unless they've completed it, or I trust the developers with my life).

Keep up the good game-narrating!

Liam C.: spore? i'll look into seeing if my pc can run that, looked pretty sweet but i just didn't think it would. I'll be buying a new graphics card soon anyway so i'll start buying pc gamer reqularly after that. Looking forward to reading the book.

Jason L: Well, you sold one more copy of the mag. I'd been wanting to check out PCGUK for a while, and this tipped the balance. A copy is even now setting out for the New World in my name.

Sam: Just finished my first EVER game of GalCiv2, technology victory =D
I gave all my stuff to the Snathi just before I won in tribute certain other bunny races.

Drug Crazed Dropkick: Tom, any chance of an unedited version? Just because I like to fill my hard drive with loads of your ramblings :D

Nice read, and I loved the fact that you kept to your initial plan, and didn't stray from it at all. The last move you played was a great move though, I have to say.

Liam C.: Wow my pc can run this game. I may attempt to buy it.

Pod: I'm buying PCG on thursday for the Spore Ree-view. Did you write it? Did Flubblewick get into the snapshots? I hope the mutli-headed fish beast did. I'd be famous then, me.

Jason L: Actually I now find that that earlier comment was a lie. Well, not a lie I guess - you still sold an extra copy and that copy's still coming here - but I just blew twenty bucks on the previous issue which doesn't contain the stuff I want. Thanks, myfavouritemagazines.co.uk! You're competent and timely! It's been so long I'd forgotten that gaming magazines go two months ahead...dammit.

Pentadact: Oh no! If you mail me your address, I can post you out a copy of the right issue - I have a couple put aside.

Pod: yep, it's me. I believe I mention the fish headed monster, but he is not pictured.

Jason L: We'll see - despite my backhanded acid tongue above, it was half my screwup and I've emailed MFM asking whether they've shipped it/can change my order. It's possible things could still turn out lovely, and if it doesn't I'll probably just save up and get the new issue or live without. I believe in paying for my own mistakes.

Congrats on landing the Spore review!

Schtee: Yay! Grabbed GalCivII from HMV the other day for a fiver, read the blog diary and was thus forced to buy the expansions online. Read that you were following it up with this book and was forced to buy Gamer for the first time in a while.

Really wasn't a turn-based fan until now. Never 'got' Civ but reading someone putting a lot more soul into a game compelled me to spend monies. Good work, Mr. F.

Schtee: ...also, p.47, inset quote text reads "Get your filthy money face off my screen". I found it funny.

Ludo: Plan B is fantastic, Tom! Good to see PCG taking advantage of your ability to write THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of words on one topic and still have it be massively entertaining all the way through.

Also to all of you who have the book, don't miss the little disclaimer on page 4.

CloakRaider: I've tried to enjoy Gal Civ 2 so many times, trying to replicate the almost breathtaking events that you seem to come across, but alas every time I have failed.

And now I'm going to install it again.
Bloody good read, bloody good read...

Zig13: Does you lovely book have a lovely ISBN number? I want it to so I can put it on aNobii

MadJax: The book was made of pure star-fucking awesome man! Keep up the good work! :D

 
 

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    Previously, On James...

     
     

    2008 In Games That Were Better Than Other Games     GTA IV Shorts: Cut Off     PC Gamer Podcast: The Future’s Dim     Thoughts On The Team Fortress 2 Christmas Changes     Dear Sir     Extra Mirror’s Edge Levels Blocky, Unrealistic     Dead Space: The Right-Hand Side Of A Good Game     So My Vesper Became Your Chariot     Fallout Girl: The Road To Tenpenny Towers     Revenge Of The Psycho Graverobber     I’m Not Making The Plan Next Time     HERO CLOSET     The Gold Ribbon Goldberg Device     Fallout Girl: Anywhere But Megaton     Bethesda Ruin America     Fallout Girl     Left 4 De-     The American Public Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Right To Live     Far Cry 2: What I Do Like     Far Cry 2: What I’d Like     Far Cry 2: Impersonation Of A Buddy     New PC Gamer Podcast: Eau De Toilette Radioactifs     Far Cry 2 Released, Forest Fires Up 8000%     !     Deadly Toads Of Death     World Of Goo Is Coming To Steam, Gentlepersons     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume Three     Plan B Is Complete     The Fate Of The Nation And, More Importantly, My £5     Multiwinia Mathematics     A Stab At Meet The Spy     Clear Screen     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume Two     Retro Team Fortress 2     Sounds Like The Spy Update Is Next     Status Report     Field Studies 6: The PC Gamer Sporecast     I No Longer Feel I Have To Be James Dean     Plan B Chapter One Is Complete     Field Studies 5: My Spore Review     I Read A Thirty-Eight Page Comic About Google’s Browser     Heroes Of Medicine     Red Versus White     Soviet Power     Plan B Is Live     Trust Me With Your Ears: Volume One     He Looks Truly Mortified     Lumber Yard Wallpapers     Heavy Update Thoughts So Far     Relic Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Team Fortress 2 Goes To The Rockies     Steel Yourself     Vote Tom Francis In The Games Media Awards     Heavy Update: Sandwiches And Fresh Green Grass     Chris Livingston Stops Considering A TF2 Comic     Seriously, Buy Braid     Braid Is Out On Filthy Consoles     Film Catch-Up     Tweak Fortress     Field Studies 4: Vu To A Thorough Game Demonstration     The Middleman     What’s Happening In Kansas     Mirror’s Edge     Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog     Weltpolizei     The Prop Cigarettes You Smoke, They Show Who You Are     Cutting Verses Down To Size     The Sun Is Shining But We Stay Inside     Mrs D Mrs I Mrs F-F-I, Mrs C Mrs U-L-T     I Propose A Less Serious Vote     Valve Completely Out Of Weapon Ideas, Beg For Help     I Know The Commander Because He’s My Pal     Blizzard Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Regarding Matt’s Location     Oh My God What The Fuck Barbecue     Cube In Memoriam     Pyro Flare Pistol Thingy Shown In Meet The Sniper     Field Studies 3: My Pretties     Field Studies 2: I Will Save You From The Wangs     Field Studies 1: Sporegasm     Muxed Feelings     You Don’t Have To Be An Engy To Work Here But You Do     Someone Already Made An Ubersaw     Team Fortress 2 Unlockable Ideas     A Riposte To Valve’s Defense Of PC Gaming     Randy Smith Has The Worst Game Design Ideas Ever     Sire, My Regard For You Is This Big     Crysis Suit Modes Revisited     Fractal Hasselhoff And Football Management     What A Shame     The City That Rarely Enters Sleep Mode     The Most Needlessly Complex Terror Plots In Film History     No-One Drove In New York, There Was Too Much Traffic     In One Thousand Two Hundred And Ten New York Minutes     That Band You Like Has A New Thing Coming Out     A Slice Of Fried Gold Rush     Achievement Unlocked: Typed Achievement_Unlock     Bracing Oneself     It’s A Democratic Gaming Landscape, Bitches     Non-Problems Of The Obscenely Over-Privileged     Wanking ‘Not Inappropriate’ To Government Commerce     Dispensing Justice     Getting Owned     This Just In: Frogs Aren’t Morons     Der Uberdoktor     Jon Stewart On Presidential Elitism     I Actually Can’t Stop The Music     Offlyin’     The Life And Inevitable Death Of Bloopi     PC Gamer Blog: Five Years Of Foolishness     Anne Diamond Reviews Games     Fail Dogs     Review: Soulstorm (Fire Indeed Hot)     There Will Be Country For Old Men In Real Life, Baby     The Far Cry 2 Team     PC Gamer Tells Greg Costikyan To Shut The Fuck Up     Valve Decided Against The Overhealer     Austin Translation     Preview: World of Goo     ‘Meet The Scout’ Imminent     PC Gamer Blog: Greatest Videogame Weapon of All Time     Bill Hicks: Another Dead Hero     Vortessence Hangover     Nick Montfort On Portal Vs The Passage     I Eat What I Slaughter     Jonathan Blow On Making Enough Money For Food     Audiosurfing The Shipping News     Team Fortress 2 Badlands Exploit Patched     Lost, Season Four, Spoilers, Obviously     Badlands     James 2.5 Explained     PC Gamer Podcast: March     Chris Livingston Considering A TF2 Comic     Come In     Actors Out Of Context     Murder Incorporated     Books That Make You Dumb     Powered Down For Redesign     New TF2 Maps And Medic Change In Two Months     Molecular Gastronomy Blog     Team Fortress 2 Update Reactions     Things Round Here Have Changed     My Goatee     Things I Forgot To Talk About Round-Up     GalCiv2: Still Genius     Analysing Team Fortress 2     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     Deus Fucking Ex Fucking 3     Crysis Week: The Endingening     Episode Two Death Maps     Masq     SO… MUCH… CAKE…     On Rock     Review: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare     I’m Not Allowed To Do This     I Played Through The Crysis Demo Holding A Surprised Korean Guy     The Greatest Spy In Team Fortress 2     FEAR: Perseus Mandate Is The Best Game Ever     Hellgate London Thoughts     Beautiful Piano Rendition Of The Portal Song     I Played Through Episode Two Holding A Goddamn Gnome     Pushing Daisies Continues To Be Incredible     Ten Minutes To Go     The Best Three Things On TV     Life Complete     This Just In: The Scout Is A Dick     Not Being A Spy     SO… MUCH… BLOOD…     Weirdly, You’ve Been Tanned - Suspicious For The Winter     Structurally Superfluous     Top of GameTab: Wikipedia Edits From Sony IP     Heroes Season Two     My Favourite Disaster     Quick BioShock Warning     Rock, Paper, Shotgun     British Airwaves     BioShock Review Review     Gollum Beat Box Like You Never Seen     The Machine Of Death Winners     System Failure     The Order of the Phoenix     The Completist: Tribes: Vengeance     Quickly     Boston and Bioshock     Cloak And Tagger     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     The Completist: Far Cry     This Month In Terrible, Part 2: London Olympics Logo     This Month In Terrible, Part 1: Anti-DRM T-Shirts     The Finale Post     Not The Finale Post     Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa-     Starcraft 2     Grrraaahahahahaa!     Mystery Trip     Access Denied     Invasion of the Body Snatchers     New-Album Deathmatch     Can I Just Say (3)     Back!     ‘Iv’     Desktop Tower Defense     Whoa     Noble Jedis     I Don’t Know About You Folks     Infinitely More Exciting Than Anything     Exploded     A Couple Of Things!     This Is Taking Ages     Best Interview Ever     Let Them Eat Facts     He’s Gone Too Far     Highlight Of 2006 (3/3)     Highlight Of 2006 (2/3): Snowboarding To Safety     Highlight Of 2006 (1/3): Previewing Oblivion     Yeah, Me Too     Somerfield     24     iPwn     2006     First Screenshots Of Introversion’s Next Game     Dexter: Series One     Woo     Dexter Again     Primer     Just ‘Cause     Spoiler Test     Heroes     Not Everything You Find On Flickr Makes A Lot Of Sense Right Away     Posts About Games Writing Suck So I’m Writing A Post About Posts About Games Writing     Supreme Commander     A Weak Russian Sunset     Event-Inspired Idea: Cellphone Breathalizer     I Am About To Play One Of These Games     Dexter     Bad News     24: Drink When…     Blood Money And Sex     Veronica Mars     Too Zune     Something I Didn’t Understand But Still Feels Right     James 1.0     Dangerous Animals Found Dangerous, Term Remains 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First Night, Second Life     Disappointing Results     Maths Cop!     NaNoWriMo     Google Oozes Connectivity     Lost Season 2     Serenity     Oh Screw It, I’ll Mention The Revolution     Flying     Introducing: Brain Storm     Concerned     This Month In Awesome     Rain     SWAT 4: The Movie     On Bringing It     State Of Things     Quest Ideas     Quest Que C’est?     WordPress Wizard     Reasons To Freeze To Death     Phew     Futurama     The West Wing     Firefly     Lost     The Great     The Fantastic     The Top Few     Mulholland Drive     Adaptation     Grosse Pointe Blank     Memento     LA Confidential     Diablo 2     Battlefield 2     Half-Life 2: Deathmatch     Deus Ex 2     N     Morrowind     Half-Life 2     Deus Ex     Charles Darwin     Friedrich Nietzsche     Ludwig Wittgenstein     Tom Francis