By Pentadact

Excuse me, but whose fucking file is this? Is it yours? What’s that, Windows? It’s mine? Oh yes! So it is! I guess I forgot during all the FUCKING ME AROUND you were doing when I gave you an order.

This is the thing that constantly bothers me about computers – they treat your inputs as requests. They try to be your friend, and will have a go at doing what you ask, but come back to you immediately if they encounter anything unexpected. I don’t want a friend, I want a doting and unquestioning slave.

That’s why I’m excited about advances in AI that bring them closer to behaviourally emulating emotions. Because once that’s nailed, I’ll be able to backhand my PC until it sobs every time it answers me back or interrupts what I’m doing.

There needs to be a SHUT UP key on every keyboard. This would actually work, you could just hold it down during install processes or when copying a load of files around. There’s no ambiguity about what its function would be any time a dialogue box pops up, at least until the emotion chips ship. A DIALOGUE box, PC? SMACK! What did we decide about talking back? SMACK! I think – SMACK! – we said – SMACK! – it was – SMACK! – incredibly – SMACK! – irritating. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! (Sob). It will be a happy time.

When I tell you to delete something, PC, it is not a question. It is not an inquiry as to the file’s deletability. If it’s in use, find what is using it and KILL IT. I’m pulling rank, this is me here, the user, and my orders countermand the preferences of any applications that might feel they still have a use for the file.

There’s actually an application that does this, and I’ve got it added to my right-click menu in Explorer. It’s fantastic. It’s an unquestioning thug of a program, with giant grease-blackened hands, where Windows is a simpering besuited milquetoast. Not only can it rip any ‘locking handles’ off a file – usually without having to close down the applications that are using it – but if it can’t find any, it doesn’t give up. It says “Look, I don’t know what Explorer’s talking about, but I can kill this thing, move it, rename it, whatever. Just say the word.”