James

By Pentadact


Games

 

Television

 

Films

 

Music

 

Links

 

Personal

 
 

About

 
 
Let Tom Francis tell you all what it's like, being male, middle-class and white.
 

 

At Random

 
 
Sheeeeeeeit. You know, it's a good thing I found this? It'll make your sofa much more comfortable to sit on.
 

 

Last Comment

 
 
"This IS the only result that shows up when you Google “Tom Francis” + “fatal weaknesses” ."

Freakinswiit on I Propose A Less Serious Vote
 

 

Least Hated

 
 
Masq
My introduction to the deceptively simple Flash adventure about sex, lies, corruption and fashion.
GalCiv 2 War Diary
The saga of my race of impolitic space-rabbits in a twenty-day game against eleven genius artificial intelligence races.
 

 

Subscribe

 
 
All Posts
Games
Television
Films
Music
Links
Personal
Comments
 

Exploded

 
 

“Fuck!”
It came from the den. Later I’d learn that it had followed a much quieter, “Oh fuck. Oh-”

My first thought was that it had broken. I was going to spend a lot of time, over the next five years, wishing that I’d been right about that.

He burst into the room, crunching the door hinges and smacking the handle deep into the plaster. He nearly fell over trying to stop. I didn’t say anything, just stared.
391! He was on the train this morning! He was one of the victims!” He stared too. We just stared. “Look it up!”
I didn’t have to. I didn’t have all our test cases memorised yet, but 391 I did know: EXPLODED. He was one of the reasons I didn’t believe it was working, EXPLODED was a joke. He saw I wasn’t looking it up, saw me looking at him, and knew I knew, but said it all the same:
“It fucking works.”


-

We were eating.
“Okay, well, it’s on now.” I munched a chip.
“Yeah.”
“I mean, it’s on.” I pointed a chip at him for emphasis.
“Yeah.”
“I’m just-”
“I get that it is on.”
“Okay.” I put my chips down.
I fixed myself a drink.

-

He came into my office again, calmly this time, through the fucked door. My office, his house. We left all the doors open that afternoon, and just walked around doing small, unimportant things, occasionally meeting in the corridors of his big, dusty old house and swapping new thoughts.

“What’s the latest count? How many others died?”
“They’re saying two-hundred now.” I told him, underplaying it a little. “Some places are saying three.” They were all saying three.
“Christ. From one bomb?”
“Well, it was on the subway, so…”
“Yeah. Christ.” He slouched against the wall and looked up at the cracked ceiling. “This isn’t quite how I imagined it working.”
“You know we still have to publish, right? I mean, that was the point of no return, right there.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s just-” He looked at me. “It’s going to look like we’re profiting off of this.”
I laughed, then met his eyes. “It’s going to look like we’re profiting from it? Pete, it’s going to look like we did it. You don’t seem to realise how sceptical people are going to be about something like this. You’re the only person in the world who has any idea how this box works, and to the rest of us it looks a hell of a lot like a hoax. And when some small-minded prick with a pound of C4 decided commuters were responsible for all the world’s problems this morning, it became the most vicious hoax in history. We’re going to have protesters on your lawn around the clock, we’re going to get ripped to shreds in the press, we’re going to be hounded by cameras. We’re going to get mail bombs, Pete.” I sat down, and lowered my voice. “They’re gonna try and kill us. Nobody knows yet, but I promise you that at some point in the next eighteen hours, someone, somewhere, is going to check our predictions list against the victims list and our lives as they stand will be over.” I was realising most of this as I said it. I felt sick. We were fucked.
“We’re fucked, aren’t we?”
“We’re not fucked.” I thought about it. We were definitely fucked. “No, we’re not fucked.”
He shook his head. “We’re so fucked.”
I sighed. We were so, so fucked.

-

“I don’t, you know,” he said suddenly, as we boxed up the prototype. I frowned.
“What?”
“Have any idea how it works. I’m the same as anyone else, except I know it does.”
“You made it, Pete. I just did your accounts.”
“I didn’t really. I discovered it. If it had done what I built it to do, if it had been the thing we were trying to make, if it had been the Death Clock-”
“I told you we couldn’t call it that.”
“-then I would have made it. But you can’t make something like this, it’s out there waiting to be found.”
“Well, I certainly hope you can make it. Because we’re going to need a job fucking lot of them.”

-

“You know, this is the best possible way it could have happened.”
“What the hell?”
“No, I mean, to prove it. You couldn’t ask for a more conclusive test.” He put up a hand to silence me, “I know, I know loads of people are going to think we blew up a train to sell a box, but this is still going to convince more people than we ever dreamed we would. Your investor friends aren’t going to think we blew up San Francisco, they’re going to think it works.”
“They’re not going to like the publicity.”
“They don’t have to, yet. No-one has to know they’re investing, and they all know that by the time they come to sell them, the whole world will realise they work.” I was the business brain of the operation, but Pete wasn’t an idiot. I knew it from the moment he said ‘391′: this would make us.
“Yeah.”

-

“Did you tell Jen yet?”
“What? Yeah, of course! You didn’t tell Cath?”
“Not yet.” Honestly, it had only just occured to me.
“Well why the hell not? You’ve got to tell her, dude.” I hate it when he calls me dude.
“I just- how do you say it? How did you say it?”
“I said ‘Jen, it works,’ same as I said to you.”
“Actually you said ‘It fucking works!’,” I mocked, in my best nasal geek voice, “to me. But you told her how we know?”
“Yeah.”
“Was she freaked out?”
“Of course. Aren’t you?”
“I’m- I’ve been-” I came clean. “I feel sick. I’ve been feeling sick for three hours now.”
He looked straight at me; I don’t talk like that often. “You’ve got to tell her. Jen’ll tell her, and she’ll tell her when I told her. You know what they’re like, women just find a way to get times into conversations.”
“I can’t say I’d noticed.”
“Well, they do.”

-

I walked into the Den. Pete was tinkering again, already. I set his coffee down and took a sip of mine.
“Thanks.”
I ignored him. “Here’s what we do. You spend the rest of the night packing all this away, everything you need. I hire a van. You hire a hangar. I hire an agent. You draw me up a list of the components that went into the latest prototype - not the ones you think you’ll need for the new improved version, I know you. The components for this one. I’ll give the investors the heads up before the news breaks, and tell them we need the first payment by noon tomorrow. You call every enginer friend you trust and get them on board. Write out a step-by-step assembly guide an idiot could follow in the van on the way, then make sure we don’t hire any idiots to follow it. I order us a new pair of phones, we throw these ones away, and we give the new numbers to no-one but Cath and Jen unless I say. We disappear. I can sort out accommodation once we’re out of here, and a few months down the line we can buy a new place, but right now we have to get as many of these things built and making predictions as possible. The more predictions they make, the more get proved right, the fewer mail bombs we get.” I sipped. “What’s that?” He was writing something.
“It’s a step-by-step assembly guide an idiot could follow.” He put it on a thin pile.
“What are those?”
“Well,” he leafed through them, “this one’s a component list for the prototype, this one’s a map to the hangar we’ve hired, these are the resumés of the three most expensive agents I could find, this one’s a printout of a receipt for two 8GB iPhones, this one’s a fax from the Hyatt confirming our reservation, and these are the keys to our new van.” He tossed them to me. I looked around the room, I guess for the first time. It was full of neatly packed boxes.
“What do I do at this company again?”
“It’s never really been clear to me.” He took a sip of his coffee and went back to writing. “Call the investors!” he shouted after me as I left, forgetting my mug.

-

“We’re not going to get killed by a mail bomb, you know,” he said in the van on the way up. It was dark, I was driving, which meant the radio stayed off. “We know that much. Whatever happens with this, it won’t kill us. I’m an aneurysm and you’re a heart-attack, those were the first two tests we ever ran.”
“Yeah.” I’d been thinking about that a lot since we discovered the box really worked. I wondered what it would feel like. “Christ, what about Cath and Jen?” I’d refused to let either of them be tested.
“We’ll have them take it, we have to now.” They were coming up tomorrow. The thought of it made me queasy.
No,” I said suddenly. “No. I don’t want it hanging over them,” then, feeling the familiar emotional crunch of stepping on Pete’s toes when it came to Jen, “Not Cath, anyway.”
“We have to.”
“You think about it, don’t you? What it’s going to feel like? Come on, we don’t want that for them.” He stared at the wing-mirror. “If I looked through your browser cache, I’d find the Wikipedia entry on aneurysms in there somewhere, right?”
“No.” He looked back at the road. We sat in silence for a few minutes, the blank road purring beneath us as a half-tunnel of arched black trees flashed by either side. “I cleared it.”
I looked at him for the briefest moment. He was smiling.

Read the rest

This is the first micro-chapter of my short story for the Machine of Death challenge, which was great fun to write. I gave it a go because I thought it would be a good test of whether I can enjoy writing to someone else’s spec, and it turns out I much prefer it to writing my own ideas. There was something breezy about this whole process - it’s a short piece to begin with, but also not having the burden of responsibility for the concept makes it even easier to jump in.

Comment
 
 
Pentadact: A-Anyone?

Thomas Lawrence: I read it. I liked it. Um... yes.

Zeno Cosini: It's GREAT. Did I detect the influence of Primer? The Schrodinger-server is brilliant.

Zeno Cosini: Er, so - you had to launch yourself out of the path of a Death Race-style driver, causing him to total his car? And you lost a single tooth when you hit the pavement?

Pentadact: Most of the skin on my nose, but no teeth thankfully. And no totalled car, sadly - if I'd stayed on course I would have mildly dented it, but my heroic kerb-dive left it unscathed.

Yeah, definitely Primer-inspired. One of the things I loved about that was the very authentic idea that major discoveries are almost all accidents, usually ones that occur when trying something far less ambitious. Shame my invention couldn't be as convincing as theirs, but that was out of my hands.

Grill: Primer with bombs! Awesome. 9/10 (only 9/10 because I like longer paragraphs with more pretentious words and cos I've got used to giving everything 9/10 these days.)

Oh. Y'all already said that.

SenatorPalpatine: I liked it.

Me: hi

SenatorPalpatine: Hmm, why didn't she get an abortion?

Pentadact: They were outlawed in 2048.

 
 

Comment

 
 





 
 

Recommended

 
 
 

 

Status

 
 
     

     

    Favourites

     
     
    Affectionate Diary
    By Suki and Nonnu
    (Games)

    The final solution to games criticism: profane, furious, hilarious and utterly unrestrained fanatical frothing.
    Garry's Blog
    By Garry Newman
    (Games/coding)
    A cocktail of brilliant bile, hardcore coding talk and surreal screenshots -
    from the malevolent mastermind of modding.
     

     

    Images

     
     
     

     

    Comics

     
     
    QwantzPenny ArcadeXKCDDresden Codak
     

    Previously, On James...

     
     

    I Propose A Less Serious Vote     Valve Completely Out Of Weapon Ideas, Beg For Help     I Know The Commander Because He’s My Pal     Blizzard Announce That Tom Francis Is Right     Regarding Matt’s Location     Oh My God What The Fuck Barbecue     Cube In Memoriam     Pyro Flare Pistol Thingy Shown In Meet The Sniper     Field Studies 3: My Pretties     Field Studies 2: I Will Save You From The Wangs     Field Studies 1: Sporegasm     Muxed Feelings     You Don’t Have To Be An Engy To Work Here But You Do     Someone Already Made An Ubersaw     Team Fortress 2 Unlockable Ideas     A Riposte To Valve’s Defense Of PC Gaming     Randy Smith Has The Worst Game Design Ideas Ever     Sire, My Regard For You Is This Big     Crysis Suit Modes Revisited     Fractal Hasselhoff And Football Management     What A Shame     The City That Rarely Enters Sleep Mode     The Most Needlessly Complex Terror Plots In Film History     No-One Drove In New York, There Was Too Much Traffic     In One Thousand Two Hundred And Ten New York Minutes     That Band You Like Has A New Thing Coming Out     A Slice Of Fried Gold Rush     Achievement Unlocked: Typed Achievement_Unlock     Bracing Oneself     It’s A Democratic Gaming Landscape, Bitches     Non-Problems Of The Obscenely Over-Privileged     Wanking ‘Not Inappropriate’ To Government Commerce     Dispensing Justice     Getting Owned     This Just In: Frogs Aren’t Morons     Der Uberdoktor     Jon Stewart On Presidential Elitism     I Actually Can’t Stop The Music     Offlyin’     The Life And Inevitable Death Of Bloopi     PC Gamer Blog: Five Years Of Foolishness     Anne Diamond Reviews Games     Fail Dogs     Review: Soulstorm (Fire Indeed Hot)     There Will Be Country For Old Men In Real Life, Baby     The Far Cry 2 Team     PC Gamer Tells Greg Costikyan To Shut The Fuck Up     Valve Decided Against The Overhealer     Austin Translation     Preview: World of Goo     ‘Meet The Scout’ Imminent     PC Gamer Blog: Greatest Videogame Weapon of All Time     Bill Hicks: Another Dead Hero     Vortessence Hangover     Nick Montfort On Portal Vs The Passage     I Eat What I Slaughter     Jonathan Blow On Making Enough Money For Food     Audiosurfing The Shipping News     Team Fortress 2 Badlands Exploit Patched     Lost, Season Four, Spoilers, Obviously     Badlands     James 2.5 Explained     PC Gamer Podcast: March     Chris Livingston Considering A TF2 Comic     Come In     Actors Out Of Context     Murder Incorporated     Books That Make You Dumb     Powered Down For Redesign     New TF2 Maps And Medic Change In Two Months     Molecular Gastronomy Blog     Team Fortress 2 Update Reactions     Things Round Here Have Changed     My Goatee     Things I Forgot To Talk About Round-Up     GalCiv2: Still Genius     Analysing Team Fortress 2     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     Deus Fucking Ex Fucking 3     Crysis Week: The Endingening     Episode Two Death Maps     Masq     SO… MUCH… CAKE…     On Rock     Review: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare     I’m Not Allowed To Do This     I Played Through The Crysis Demo Holding A Surprised Korean Guy     The Greatest Spy In Team Fortress 2     FEAR: Perseus Mandate Is The Best Game Ever     Hellgate London Thoughts     Beautiful Piano Rendition Of The Portal Song     I Played Through Episode Two Holding A Goddamn Gnome     Pushing Daisies Continues To Be Incredible     Ten Minutes To Go     The Best Three Things On TV     Life Complete     This Just In: The Scout Is A Dick     Not Being A Spy     SO… MUCH… BLOOD…     Weirdly, You’ve Been Tanned - Suspicious For The Winter     Structurally Superfluous     Top of GameTab: Wikipedia Edits From Sony IP     Heroes Season Two     My Favourite Disaster     Quick BioShock Warning     Rock, Paper, Shotgun     British Airwaves     BioShock Review Review     Gollum Beat Box Like You Never Seen     The Machine Of Death Winners     System Failure     The Order of the Phoenix     The Completist: Tribes: Vengeance     Quickly     Boston and Bioshock     Cloak And Tagger     Gamespot Finally Do The Logical Thing     The Completist: Far Cry     This Month In Terrible, Part 2: London Olympics Logo     This Month In Terrible, Part 1: Anti-DRM T-Shirts     The Finale Post     Not The Finale Post     Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa-     Starcraft 2     Grrraaahahahahaa!     Mystery Trip     Access Denied     Invasion of the Body Snatchers     New-Album Deathmatch     Can I Just Say (3)     Back!     ‘Iv’     Desktop Tower Defense     Whoa     Noble Jedis     I Don’t Know About You Folks     Infinitely More Exciting Than Anything     Exploded     A Couple Of Things!     This Is Taking Ages     Best Interview Ever     Let Them Eat Facts     He’s Gone Too Far     Highlight Of 2006 (3/3)     Highlight Of 2006 (2/3): Snowboarding To Safety     Highlight Of 2006 (1/3): Previewing Oblivion     Yeah, Me Too     Somerfield     24     iPwn     2006     First Screenshots Of Introversion’s Next Game     Dexter: Series One     Woo     Dexter Again     Primer     Just ‘Cause     Spoiler Test     Heroes     Not Everything You Find On Flickr Makes A Lot Of Sense Right Away     Posts About Games Writing Suck So I’m Writing A Post About Posts About Games Writing     Supreme Commander     A Weak Russian Sunset     Event-Inspired Idea: Cellphone Breathalizer     I Am About To Play One Of These Games     Dexter     Bad News     24: Drink When…     Blood Money And Sex     Veronica Mars     Too Zune     Something I Didn’t Understand But Still Feels Right     James 1.0     Dangerous Animals Found Dangerous, Term Remains Mystery     Don’t Blog While Stupid     Should I Hit The Weak Spot For Massive Damage Now?     25th Hour     Porn Shoes     A Life In Questions     Paris Laptop Consciousness Drip     This Next Test Is Impossible     Found And Lost     Team Fortress 2, Episode Two And Portal     Not Lasting     Pandora’s Checkbox     Episode Three Conjecture     Episode Two Conjecture     Trivia: My Firefox Extensions     Half-Life 3: Episode 1     Can I Just Say     Top 100 Musings #1: Battlefield 2     Maths Cop 2: The Revengening     Waa?     Out Of Office Auto-Blog     Oblivion Review     I Took A Photograph Of You In The Herbacious Border     If Things Go Right     New Ritual     Favourites     World Of Lifecraft     Elsewhere     Some News, JC     This Is The Winter Of Our Disco Tent     Villainy Like It Oughta Be     FEAR     Battlefield 2 Stats     Brain Storm’s New Clothes     Fahrenheit     Sorry     Quote From What I’m Watching     NaNoWriMo - Hard FAQs     Mockba     SWAT 4: The Game     First Night, Second Life     Disappointing Results     Maths Cop!     NaNoWriMo     Google Oozes Connectivity     Lost Season 2     Serenity     Oh Screw It, I’ll Mention The Revolution     Flying     Introducing: Brain Storm     Concerned     This Month In Awesome     Rain     SWAT 4: The Movie     On Bringing It     State Of Things     Quest Ideas     Quest Que C’est?     WordPress Wizard     Reasons To Freeze To Death     Phew     Futurama     The West Wing     Firefly     Lost     The Great     The Fantastic     The Top Few     Mulholland Drive     Adaptation     Grosse Pointe Blank     Memento     LA Confidential     Diablo 2     Battlefield 2     Half-Life 2: Deathmatch     Deus Ex 2     N     Morrowind     Half-Life 2     Deus Ex     Charles Darwin     Friedrich Nietzsche     Ludwig Wittgenstein     Tom Francis